This is the End

There has been a question burning in my mind for the past month. Why did Louise Langston commit suicide? She never gave any indication about what she was feeling. I was by her side through the rumors and the bullying, but she always radiated nonchalance. Two weeks after the funeral I finally approached Sandra, Louise's Mum, and she asked me the same question. Why? She had a loving family who supported her through everything, but I soon learnt after talking to Sandra that Louise never told her the full extent of the torture she was put through by going to school every day.
Back to the question, why? Louise never left a note, only an empty bottle of sleeping pills. Every day for the past fortnight I have been coming to her home and searching for clues. Finally I looked at her laptop, which had never been shut down. When I brought the screen back to life, a Word document was open. At the top she had written "There are seven thousand people waiting for an explanation as to why I stopped posting all of a sudden. They at least deserve that much. Whoever is reading this, can you please post this on my blog?"
As it was Louise's dying wish, this will be my final action as Louise's friend. Here is her final post.

"My story began nearly two years ago when I first posted on this blog. I was living in Gisborne with my mum, dad,  the twelvie, the monkey and the three year old with fabulous blue eyes. At fifteen, I was the dorky kid with braces and huge glasses which made my eyes look like those of an insect. Despite having the physical appearance of a nerd, I was happy. But that suddenly changed when Francis moved to town. She had so much influence over everyone else at school. They would follow her direction like sheep being herded by a sheepdog. Suddenly their attention turned to me, the small girl with braces and over-sized glasses. People always pick on the weak ones, and I was one of them. 

When Mum got a new job in Auckland, the bullying had escalated and had been going on for about six months. I remember typing my blog post, I was so happy and filled with relief. Auckland was fifty times the size of Gisborne, there were fifty times more people I could blend in with. And yet, the bullying was fifty times worse. I dyed my hair black, my glasses came off and in their place were contact lenses. I hated the contact lenses, but I thought changing my appearance would make it all stop, but as I later learned, it the worst thing I could have done. I didn't win, I lost because the bullies had driven me to changing who I was. They knew that too. I still remember the day Dad stormed into the school and threw one of them against the side of a building. Mum saw him as the bad guy, even though he was protecting his own. I lost myself, and Dad, to the bullies all in the space of a year. 

If I had any sense, I would have fought back harder. I just wasn't strong enough to keep going. Not everyone is. I wasn't bulletproof, and every bullet that pierced my core took a piece of my soul. By the end of it, I was essentially obliterated. 

I want to thank every single one of you once more. Remember that every second here you are, alive, and every second you breathe you are still fighting. Continue fighting. I may not have been strong enough to carry on, but each and every one of you are. Sometimes you may feel like me, a lone tree with branches reaching out to find some sort of contact, but you only find empty space. Each of you has someone, and you need to find that person. Myself, I wasn't brave enough to do it and it was too late.

To my family, Violet, I love you to the stars and back. The moon is too close to describe how grateful I am for you. I know that I have left this world without an explanation and you will have thousands of unanswered questions. Each week I posted on here, and if you read my story from start to finish, I promise you will understand. My decision to do this is purely selfish, and I do not want to cause you pain. Do me three favours--not just my friends and family, but everyone reading this.
1. Act against bullying and alienation. Everyone is a person.
2. Be at peace with the decision I, any others like me, have made and forgive us.
3. Don't let anyone change you except yourself.

Goodbye, for now.

-Louise."

I don't want Louise's story to be forgotten, she deserves that much, so remember her and remember you are strong enough to keep going. Do it for both her and you.
I know now that Louise is in a better place where there is no pain and suffering, where she doesn't have to be scared all the time. Rest in peace, Louise.
-Louise's friend, Violet.

I Am Still That Tree

Hi.
Someone began a rumor about me and those guys at the party a couple of months ago. Apparently I did some inappropriate stuff with them and now I am a Bug Eye, emo, and some filthy words you can probably guess. I can honestly say that I arrived at the party, I got hammered and then Violet dragged me home and I wrote a drunken post I should probably delete. I don't know what to do this time around because not even Dad throwing someone against a wall will stop it, especially since we don't know who started it.
Violet is worried about me and I don't know what to tell her.
My wrist scarred from the one time I cut myself a few months ago, and people notice that too.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.
The monsters that lurk inside these seemingly ordinary people are rotten. They have taken everything from me. My family, my home, my well being and they have stripped me of my identity. I am just a series of labels accumulated over the past eighteen months and nothing more. These labels are what I am defined as. These monsters have peeled me away. I am like a house. First they took my paint, then my insulation, then my roof. I was stripped back to a frame, but because the frame had no shelter it rotted away. I am just a concrete paving where something used to be. I am nothing more, and I can never be anything more because people have done this to me. My own kind.
I want to keep this short because right now I am not in the right head space. If I were being truly honest, I would admit how low I have been lately. I'm scared for myself, but there is nobody I can reach out to. There has been no point where I have actually felt this way before, but we really are all alone in this world. I am still that tree, placed in the middle of a field with nothing but grass. I am by myself, and no one else is reaching out to me.
I am sorry if I don't post for a while because I need some time to think. I hope you can understand.
Farewell, for now.
-Louise.

                              I am still that tree standing in a field of grass, but I have no leaves or life.

What Did I Say?

We meet again.

In this week's installment of "The Sweet Life of Louise the Tree" I can say I drank waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Violet had to drag me home haha. Oh well.

I think I was sitting on the side of the road when these guys came up and they were like, "We are having a party, wanna come?" And I was like, "Yeah, whatever."

Bad mistake. 

After about six shots, I was stumbling around and calling everyone a jerk. Oops. Someone recognised me and called Violet, who dragged me home. 

Anyway, "It's 3A.M. and I haven't got a raincoat..." 

I really don't.

I should really get some sleep. Mum is going to ground me in the morning, but she is the reason I was sitting on the street. She won't let me see Dad and so I needed to find a private spot where I could call him. I've had only broken conversations in stolen moments since he protected me and Mum forced him out of our lives.
I would say more, but somehow I still have a sliver of common sense under my drunken haze.

-Louise.

P.S. STAY SOBER, KIDS!

P.P.S. Here's the song...