This is the End

There has been a question burning in my mind for the past month. Why did Louise Langston commit suicide? She never gave any indication about what she was feeling. I was by her side through the rumors and the bullying, but she always radiated nonchalance. Two weeks after the funeral I finally approached Sandra, Louise's Mum, and she asked me the same question. Why? She had a loving family who supported her through everything, but I soon learnt after talking to Sandra that Louise never told her the full extent of the torture she was put through by going to school every day.
Back to the question, why? Louise never left a note, only an empty bottle of sleeping pills. Every day for the past fortnight I have been coming to her home and searching for clues. Finally I looked at her laptop, which had never been shut down. When I brought the screen back to life, a Word document was open. At the top she had written "There are seven thousand people waiting for an explanation as to why I stopped posting all of a sudden. They at least deserve that much. Whoever is reading this, can you please post this on my blog?"
As it was Louise's dying wish, this will be my final action as Louise's friend. Here is her final post.

"My story began nearly two years ago when I first posted on this blog. I was living in Gisborne with my mum, dad,  the twelvie, the monkey and the three year old with fabulous blue eyes. At fifteen, I was the dorky kid with braces and huge glasses which made my eyes look like those of an insect. Despite having the physical appearance of a nerd, I was happy. But that suddenly changed when Francis moved to town. She had so much influence over everyone else at school. They would follow her direction like sheep being herded by a sheepdog. Suddenly their attention turned to me, the small girl with braces and over-sized glasses. People always pick on the weak ones, and I was one of them. 

When Mum got a new job in Auckland, the bullying had escalated and had been going on for about six months. I remember typing my blog post, I was so happy and filled with relief. Auckland was fifty times the size of Gisborne, there were fifty times more people I could blend in with. And yet, the bullying was fifty times worse. I dyed my hair black, my glasses came off and in their place were contact lenses. I hated the contact lenses, but I thought changing my appearance would make it all stop, but as I later learned, it the worst thing I could have done. I didn't win, I lost because the bullies had driven me to changing who I was. They knew that too. I still remember the day Dad stormed into the school and threw one of them against the side of a building. Mum saw him as the bad guy, even though he was protecting his own. I lost myself, and Dad, to the bullies all in the space of a year. 

If I had any sense, I would have fought back harder. I just wasn't strong enough to keep going. Not everyone is. I wasn't bulletproof, and every bullet that pierced my core took a piece of my soul. By the end of it, I was essentially obliterated. 

I want to thank every single one of you once more. Remember that every second here you are, alive, and every second you breathe you are still fighting. Continue fighting. I may not have been strong enough to carry on, but each and every one of you are. Sometimes you may feel like me, a lone tree with branches reaching out to find some sort of contact, but you only find empty space. Each of you has someone, and you need to find that person. Myself, I wasn't brave enough to do it and it was too late.

To my family, Violet, I love you to the stars and back. The moon is too close to describe how grateful I am for you. I know that I have left this world without an explanation and you will have thousands of unanswered questions. Each week I posted on here, and if you read my story from start to finish, I promise you will understand. My decision to do this is purely selfish, and I do not want to cause you pain. Do me three favours--not just my friends and family, but everyone reading this.
1. Act against bullying and alienation. Everyone is a person.
2. Be at peace with the decision I, any others like me, have made and forgive us.
3. Don't let anyone change you except yourself.

Goodbye, for now.

-Louise."

I don't want Louise's story to be forgotten, she deserves that much, so remember her and remember you are strong enough to keep going. Do it for both her and you.
I know now that Louise is in a better place where there is no pain and suffering, where she doesn't have to be scared all the time. Rest in peace, Louise.
-Louise's friend, Violet.

I Am Still That Tree

Hi.
Someone began a rumor about me and those guys at the party a couple of months ago. Apparently I did some inappropriate stuff with them and now I am a Bug Eye, emo, and some filthy words you can probably guess. I can honestly say that I arrived at the party, I got hammered and then Violet dragged me home and I wrote a drunken post I should probably delete. I don't know what to do this time around because not even Dad throwing someone against a wall will stop it, especially since we don't know who started it.
Violet is worried about me and I don't know what to tell her.
My wrist scarred from the one time I cut myself a few months ago, and people notice that too.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am.
The monsters that lurk inside these seemingly ordinary people are rotten. They have taken everything from me. My family, my home, my well being and they have stripped me of my identity. I am just a series of labels accumulated over the past eighteen months and nothing more. These labels are what I am defined as. These monsters have peeled me away. I am like a house. First they took my paint, then my insulation, then my roof. I was stripped back to a frame, but because the frame had no shelter it rotted away. I am just a concrete paving where something used to be. I am nothing more, and I can never be anything more because people have done this to me. My own kind.
I want to keep this short because right now I am not in the right head space. If I were being truly honest, I would admit how low I have been lately. I'm scared for myself, but there is nobody I can reach out to. There has been no point where I have actually felt this way before, but we really are all alone in this world. I am still that tree, placed in the middle of a field with nothing but grass. I am by myself, and no one else is reaching out to me.
I am sorry if I don't post for a while because I need some time to think. I hope you can understand.
Farewell, for now.
-Louise.

                              I am still that tree standing in a field of grass, but I have no leaves or life.

What Did I Say?

We meet again.

In this week's installment of "The Sweet Life of Louise the Tree" I can say I drank waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Violet had to drag me home haha. Oh well.

I think I was sitting on the side of the road when these guys came up and they were like, "We are having a party, wanna come?" And I was like, "Yeah, whatever."

Bad mistake. 

After about six shots, I was stumbling around and calling everyone a jerk. Oops. Someone recognised me and called Violet, who dragged me home. 

Anyway, "It's 3A.M. and I haven't got a raincoat..." 

I really don't.

I should really get some sleep. Mum is going to ground me in the morning, but she is the reason I was sitting on the street. She won't let me see Dad and so I needed to find a private spot where I could call him. I've had only broken conversations in stolen moments since he protected me and Mum forced him out of our lives.
I would say more, but somehow I still have a sliver of common sense under my drunken haze.

-Louise.

P.S. STAY SOBER, KIDS!

P.P.S. Here's the song...

Of All People

Hi, again.
WHY ME?! OF ALL PEOPLE, WHY DID THEY HAVE TO PICK ON ME?
I cannot express how...DISGUSTED I am right now. Not just with how these people have treated me, but with myself for letting it happen. More so for the blood that fell from the single cut along my wrist. I didn't want to do it, but I heard people saying that turning the mental pain into something physical made it more bearable. It made me cry more because all I could think was, "How did I allow myself to sink this low?"
My mascara is running right now. I don't even know when I started wearing makeup. It just sort of happened, like the bullying and dying my hair.
Dad stormed the school a few days ago, and he threw one of my tormentors against the wall.
Mum left him because of it, and it is all my fault.
All of it.
If I didn't exist, none of this would have happened.
Anyway, thank you for being here for me again, my six thousand followers. You are the one thing that gives me hope about this world. You and Violet, my one remaining friend. She has been good to me and hasn't left my side at school. I don't know how to repay her for it.
-Louise.

There is NEVER a Bright Side

Hi.
I will keep this one short.
Because my hair is black, I am an emo. Why can't I just be accepted for my dorky appearance? Why does everyone have to stereotype? The first thing is I am not emotional. Sure, my feelings seem to hurt a lot as of late, but I have never been an emo.
I feel...alienated, like Shylock from the Merchant of Venice. I know the majority haven't read any of Shakespeare's texts unless you were forced to for English, but basically Shylock was a Jew who was hated by everyone else because of his religion. Because Shylock was so hated he became bitter. Society changed him, just as society is changing me. The only difference is I wouldn't actively go out and seek a pound of their flesh.
I am staring at cats again to try and make me happy. It isn't working.
-Louise.

You Look Beautiful Today

Hi.

When I came home crying, Mum cornered me instantly. I tried to avoid it but she made me speak.

"What did they do to you?" she demanded.

I listed the names I had been called.

"That day you came home with a black eye, you didn't walk into a pole, did you?"

All I could do was shake my head.

At this stage I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing that she found out, but she is really angry with Dad for hiding it from her for so long. I am grounded all because I didn't tell her about the taunting. She stormed out of the house, and after a few hours we began to get worried. She came back later with hair dye and dyed my red hair black. Her excuse was that every time she felt down she would dye her hair so she at least knew she was in control of one aspect of her life.

This morning when I left for school, she was still home. Normally she is gone before I wake up. She removed the over-sized Harry Potter glasses and helped me put in contact lenses. She smiled at me and told me I looked beautiful. Honestly, it was the turning point in my life when I realised I wasn't going to put up with their torture anymore because those monsters have taken away so much from me. They stole my friends, my life and made me into a person I never wanted to be.

But here I am, alive, and every second I breathe I am still fighting.

Thank you for being here for me, the four thousand people who read each post.

Good night.

-Louise.

Here is the latest photo of me:

I do have a nose, and once more this image is so not done in Paint. I mean, how uncool is THAT?!

It's Happening Again

Hi.
How could I have thought I could escape the torments of my past? Two weeks ago I was looking on the bright side, saying everything was going great. I sat my first internal at my new high school and passed with excellence, which I hope is the first of many. That is where the good stuff ends.
"Bug Eye" may have been left in the past, but apparently the new thing is I am Voldemort's daughter, Voldedaught. Honestly, I could laugh at this if they didn't say it with such disdain. What kind of insult is that, anyway? It is incredibly stupid, but still people carry on with it like eight year olds in the primary school playground. At least I have a nose...
-Louise

):

Fresh Start

Hello again.
I am now in Auckland, I had my first day of school today, and I no longer have to share a room with my kid brother. So Auckland is big. My school is big. My room is small, but it was worth losing the few square metres to get a new life.
So, my school: I made a friend. Three, actually. Wendy, Tina and Violet. They seem okay, and the school seems okay. The first thing Violet said to me was: "You are really good at maths." I laughed, because it was a relief not being called Bug Eye because of my huge glasses, or Short Straw because of my height. These people here are nice. I think I might like it here.

Hello Again...

G'day.

So I have some good news: my mum got a new job in Auckland. Do you know what that means? WE ARE MOVING! It couldn't come at a better time considering the name calling has gotten worse. I mean, the Cow physically assaulted me and got away with it! Every time I tried to defend myself, it got worse. You have no idea how hard losing Danny to the flock of sheep hurt me. Of course she wasn't my only friend, I had others. Unfortunately they all joined the flock eventually too. So I have nothing left here.

After days of begging, Dad promised not to tell Mum about the bullying. He's caught me bawling my eyes out more than once, but before Mum notices he sits with me and talks it all out. Dad is like the best friend I will never have right now. Without him and your guys support I don't know how I would have made it through these tough times. So now I can think positive. New city, new school, new life. Nobody will know me and it will be a complete fresh start. 

As always, good news is followed by bad news. I am having my braces for another three months. THREE WHOLE MONTHS. I was supposed to get them off in two weeks, but NOPE. The orthodontist said my teeth aren't ready.

And to end on a good note: Marianne escaped the twelvie phase and has successfully slipped into the stage of being a dramatic year nine. Even so, she is better. We can take a family portrait now without any hitches. 

My room is in boxes at the moment. I feel as though I am too eager to leave because everyone else hasn't even started packing yet. Oops.

-Louise.

Thank You

Hey!
I have to be quick. This is a little addition to last fortnight's post.
Thank you for all of your comments of support. I stood up to her, even though it didn't go so well. In short, Francis the Cow gave me a black eye as a nice reminder not to double cross her ever again. Also, when did I get two thousand page views? This is amazing! It was the highlight of my day coming home to find this. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine my blog would get this big.
I am trying to remain strong, for my sake.
Thank you!
-Louise.

I Wish She Would Leave

Hello...
So you know how in September last year I mentioned the new girl in town? She noticed me, and it is not in a good sense. I am one of those girls who is used to blending into a crowd and not sticking out. Now I am like a tree in the middle of a field of grass. Francis stopped me in the middle of the school courtyard yesterday and yelled, "Hey bug eye, why don't you grow a few inches?" Danny didn't even stick up for me. She simply laughed with everyone else and moved over to Francis and gave her a high five. Looks like someone has moved over to join the flock of sheep.
She did it again today. I can't remember her exact words, but it was bad enough for me to skip last period to cry in the bathroom. To make matters worse, Dad found out and interrogated me the moment I got home. He drilled the truth out of me and I don't know what to do...
As I said, I am used to blending in with a crowd. I am used to being a sheep, but now I have no choice but to be a tree in a middle of a field of grass, so obvious. No one stares at the grass, they stare at the tree because it is just so...BIG!
Ignore my rambling. I have homework to do.
See ya next week on the Sweet Life of Louise the Tree.
-Louise.

Here is something to cheer you up if you are having a day life mine (because who doesn't love cute cats?):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArUbC9m-zbM

I Am Still Alive!

Hey.
So I haven't posted in two weeks, what is the big deal? I had an assignment due that I totally didn't do until the night before. Big mistake. I pulled an all-nighter and went to school the next day, so when I got home on Friday night I fell asleep and didn't wake up until after mid-day on Saturday. Anyway, that is what happened to me.
A new girl moved to my school, she goes by the name of Francis. She was an instant hit with everyone else, and I don't like her one little bit. Can she just crawl back into whatever hobbit hole she came from? They follow her like sheep.
Okay, well I have this friend Danny who is absolutely amazing. It was my birthday yesterday and she surprised me with cake and balloons and stuff. No one has ever done that for me before, not that I really minded. Everyone kind of just ignores September 22nd because my birth was no significant event.
My little brother is so annoying right now. He's swinging off my bunk and pretending he is a monkey. It isn't making typing this easy with all of the rocking. I have never introduced my siblings before, have I? Well I have a younger brother, Cam, who is seven, and nearly as tall as I am, much to my misfortune. My sister Avery is three--she was named after Avery on Grey's Anatomy because of her fabulous blue eyes. The one closest to my age is Marianne, who is struggling through the twelvie stage. Apparently the middle finger is the it thing and every time a photo of her is taken, somehow the finger rises up. It makes family portraits extremely difficult. I remember when I was twelve. The hardest thing ever was deciding which band shirt I was going to wear to school. My previous taste in music still makes me cringe.
I feel like yelling at Cam to stop swinging and read a book or something, but then I remembered he is a seven year old boy. What seven year old boy sits down long enough to read three words on a page? Certainly not this one.
Gotta go.
-Louise.

It's 2A.M. & I Had an Idea!

Hello, everyone.
At 1 o'clock in the morning I made a spur of the moment decision and made a blog. For the next half an hour I tried to figure out what to actually write on this blog. At 1:30A.M., as my mouse slid over the "delete blog" button, I finally made my choice. This blog is about my life. I guess it is kind of like a journal, except on my own webpage instead of scribbled all over my Facebook wall as everyone else seems to do.
So, first, I should introduce myself.
I am a girl of fifteen.
My hometown is Gisborne, New Zealand.
I have the biggest glasses and braces (which hopefully come off in eight months!) and this makes up the majority of my dorky appearance. I guess it kind of reflects my personality--I mean, I enjoy maths. Who in their right mind enjoys maths?
I barely reach five-foot tall, and my siblings make sure I don't forget how short I am.
Anyway, it's nearly 2A.M., so I should get some rest. I'll post again later.
Good night.

P.S. I don't actually think anyone will ever read this because my life is not at all exciting.

P.P.S. My name is Louise, if you were wondering.

Here is a picture of me:

(and yes I do have a nose, it just isn't visible in the totally not-Paint job picture)